Letting them cry

When Amelia was a baby I heard a lot about CIO (cry it out).  Letting a baby cry it out so they learn to comfort themselves.  Honestly, then it wasn't too hard because I knew that I needed rest and was exhausted.  She learned to entertain herself and I got a little rest; in between the times sneaking in to make sure she was still breathing.

But as she gets older I actually find it harder to do, seeing her cry real tears and feel real fear and sadness hurts me tremendously.  I find myself becoming my parents saying "this hurts me more than it hurts you", something I never knew was true until now.

Amelia just started swim classes a couple of weeks ago, it was a decision I made adamantly after pool time on our girls weekend.  I couldn't worry that she would decide to show someone she could swim when in actuality she is afraid of the water.  The first class wasn't so bad but on the way to the second class she informed me that she wasn't going in the water.  I told her that she had to and to do what her teacher said but I knew at that point she would resist.  I generally like to stay out while she is learning new things so she doesn't look to me but saw on the TV screen that she was giving them trouble so I went in the pool area.  That was a mistake.  She kept looking to me and starting crying at one point, when she came to me and said "Mommy, I want to leave" in a chocked up voice with tears in her eyes it was the hardest thing to tell her that she had to go back.  My God, the pain I felt right then and still feel thinking about it is almost unbearable.

But I know she needs to learn this, I took swim lessons and I can be safe around water.  I feel guilt that maybe I should have started her at an earlier age but honestly I didn't have the money then and I started them a little later than her and did fine. 

While I pray that this upcoming lesson will go better I fear that it will be the same for a bit longer.  She has great teachers and everyone there works with all of the kids so that's not a problem.  I will have to stay out of the pool area so that she can't lean on me and the thought of her feeling abandoned...well, I can't think of that.  She's almost 5 so I know that there is much more of this to come and I have to start now.  For her.  For me.