A decision no parent wants to make

I know that I'll receive many judgements on this, people who aren't walking in your shoes with YOUR child are great at judging others.  But as a Mom who loves her daughter more than anything in this world and has tried multiple things to help her, I've made a very tough decision.  Today Amelia started medicine.

I'm typing this on March 12th but it won't be published quite yet, I want to give it time to see how this medicine does with Amelia, I want people who are around her to not know she is on medicine and to see if they notice any changes.  If people know then you have the placebo effect and I want their reactions to be genuine. 

So far only a few people know besides her father and I: our pediatrician, the daycare director and her assistant and my best friend.  I am working closely with Amelia's doctor through this, the daycare directors will know if a teacher comes to them exactly what is going on but we want to see if the teachers notice anything, and my best friend because she's my best friend.  Heck, I knew she was pregnant with her second child before her husband did (sorry Todd). 

This was not an easy decision, even for the pediatrician, but we started it this early because of Amelia's lack of sleep.  No one can go without sleep and a 4 year old needs more than we do as adults.  Of course, you know how kids do better after you make the doctors appointment so she slept for several days in a row.  But last night it was like a sign because she didn't sleep hardly at all.

The hardest part of this is that I had to give her the medicine this morning and before it could take affect had to leave her at school.  I don't get to be there if she gets confused, scared or sick.  My heart is breaking.

But I know she is in good hands, I trust her teachers to take good care of her.  The daycare directors are great and aren't afraid to call me.


6 days later...

So, here it is March 18th, Amelia has been on the medicine for 6 days.  Holy enhanced O.C.D.!  Wow, apparently this is a side effect, while it doesn't cause O.C.D. it just brings it to light and she can think about things better now which makes her obsess more.

The first night she wanted me to sit with her to watch TV, I had to sit in a certain spot, her "friends" (stuffed animals) had to be just right and all blankets had to be in perfect squares.  It was overwhelming to say the least.

The second night I was able to get her to color while I cooked, and she colored and colored and colored.  I need more room in the house for all of those pictures.

Things are equaling out now although things take a bit longer, bedtime requires all "friends" to be lined up perfectly, covers on them perfectly in a square.  There are about 3 blankets on her bed because she needs that one to be perfect and the one she's covered with to be perfect.

This morning she told me that she couldn't touch anything because her hands were soft.  I don't know what that means but she mentioned licking them, she actually did this before the medicine, I caught her licking her hands like a cat licking its paws.  I blame the cats.  Not really sure about all of that.

On Saturday we were spending time with a friend, I knew that her son has ADHD but didn't realize that he had gotten on medicine.  I mentioned to her that Amelia had and it turns out that her and this friends son is on the same medicine.  It was interesting to see her reactions to the things that Amelia did, she said that she sees her son in Amelia.

I think that this medicine is making Amelia more aware, she told us that she likes to talk to herself; she even asked her Dad to leave the room one day so she could talk to herself.  Basically it's her way of working things out.

This may all seem like something that is scary to one who doesn't have a child with special needs but Amelia did this all long before medicine.  Now she can see what she needs, her focusing is better and the teacher mentioned the other day how calm Amelia was (remember the teacher doesn't know).

There have been times that I think the O.C.D. is going to make me crazy or I wish the meds wouldn't wear off so early but them I remember it's not about me.  This is about Amelia and making her life easier in the long run.

So I have a couple of more weeks to go before I know how I truly feel about the medicine but so far I am really happy that I haven't lost my Amelia and her BIG personality.

Update 3/20/13:
Yesterday Amelia had her LearningRx outgoing test, it's amazing how different it was from the one she took before she started.  The first test she didn't even finish, she would run out of the room, I had to sit in there for a bit, it was crazy!  Yesterday, she finished the entire 2 hour test!  She came out for about 5 minutes to play a game on the iPad, then one other time for water, besides that she was in there for 2 hours.  That was amazing!  They don't know that she is on medicine right now but were amazed.

This morning dropping her off at school I asked the teacher how she was doing and she told me that Amelia was "quiet and distant", but was listening.  Everyone is so used to Amelia being loud and all over the place that they are confused (again only the daycare directors know about the medicine), but I know that she can focus better now.

The thing is that with me she is still talking away, she's happy and fun.   I haven't lost Amelia, she's gained a chance to focus.  I remember once before a friend said that everyone has to conform, I hate conformity but I know that Amelia needs to focus so if somewhat conforming is what it takes for her to learn then so be it.  But look out world...she's coming and with all that she learns we'll never be the same!

Update 4/3/13:
So it's April 3rd and I'm ready to share this with my readers.  I've seen things even out and she is doing great!  We are tapering off on the weekends, she doesn't need it then.  I'll share more on what's going on as we continue this journey but my girl is doing great for now, we'll see what happens down the road.